Why I'm An Unfit Mother
—early this morning—
EM: Mom? Can I play on your computer?
Me: NO! grrrrrrnashgrumblegrrrrrr IT’S LATE! grrrrrrrr BUS COMING! ahrrrrgggggg EAT BREAKFAST! NOW! FASTER! EATEATEAT! grumblegrumblegrrrrrrrrr
room fills with disgusting slurping, sucking, crunching noises as EM warily munches on her Cheerios, earning her several more grumblegrumblepissmoanstinkeye’d grrrrrrrrrs while my tea takes a FUCKING ETERNITY to steep
EM: Um. Mom?
EM: Um. Can you, um. Can you make a different lunch for me today? I’m bored with bologna lately.
Me: AHHHHRRRRRGGGGGG grrrrrrrrrrr NEVER GOOD ENOUGH
grrrrrrrrrrrr ALWAYS COMPLAINING nashgrumblegrrrrrrrrrrrr UNGRATEFUL mumblemumblegrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr SPIT IT OUT THEN. WHADDUHYA' WANT! nostrilsflairingunattractivelygrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
EM: Um. I always like peanut butter and honey.
Me: WHAT! NOW! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
EM: I’m sorry I made you in a bad mood.
room fills with foul smelling vapor as hot air seeps slowly pffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffffff out of my fat head
Me: I woke up in a bad mood, EM. It’s not your fault.
EM: Why are you in a bad mood?
Me: mumblemumblegrrrrrr Dunno
EM: Was it your date with dad last night? Was it Daddy? thoughtful silence Did he embarrass you? I get mad like that when he embarrasses me.
Director's Note: In order to do this piece the dramatic justice it deserves, you will need to study any of the brilliantly rendered battle scenes from the Power Rangers television series. Pure theatrical genius, those.