Sunday, December 31, 2006

Out with a bang

Tonight we're going to put fire crackers in it, and blow it up.

Happy New Year, everyone!!!

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

Ho Ho Hooooooo

So this is the kind of crap ass vagrant that passes as "Santa" in this country.

I shit you not. They call him "Nisse" here, and consider him more of a mischievious gnome than an all powerful, jovial saint. But the general idea remains the same: He sits in a little hut, crouches behind a rickety old desk, and scrawls your children's christmas wishes into a giant ledger with a greasy, feather quill. His teeth are yellowed, his fingers stained with tar. Children cringe and stutter in his presence, while eager parents hover in the wings whispering encouragement and taking blurry snapshots.

We caught him here on a coffee break. God only knows how much whiskey he jacked into that cup before he headed back on duty.

The Alpha Grandma wants credit for the picture. Mr. Alpha Grandma fervently wishes you to know that the coffee was made over an open fire in a 10 gallon cauldren and stirred with a still burning log. JEDA wants you to remain patient, keep checking in, she will get back to you as soon as humanly possible. Also--she's currently slurping the dregs out of her 4th glass of wine for the evening and already peering about the room for more...

Our Holidays are happy. How are yours?

Tuesday, December 19, 2006


You'll have to ask Mark what in the hell that's supposed to mean.

So we're, what? Half-way through the to-do list? That hideous, holiday hullabaloo that so effectively gets in the way of quietly enjoying the season?

Yes, about that. Let's take stock and regroup a bit, shall we?

  1. Parents are here and settled. I've already made two apple pies to quiet the caged beast that is my step-father. They keep raising eyebrows and making snide remarks about the apparently vast quantities of wine I've swilled since their arrival. And yesterday, Bergen celebrated an illustrious 50 straight days of pissing rain. All tolled, those are three of the finest basic ingredients for jule tide joy you could ask for, so we're well on our way.
  2. Missy's appointment with Dr. Smarty-pants did not go as smoothly as anticipated. Dude actually thinks there might be a "problem". It probably merits an entry all to itself, and I will eventually get to it, but for now the crux of the matter seems to be an alledged shortage of growth hormone. Nothing life threatening, to be sure, but we may be looking at an entire childhood and adolescence of injections to help her reach the lofty heights of, oh, I don't know, say 5'5"? 5'6" maybe?
  3. Christmas Tea and Concert: equal parts tedious and sweet.
  4. Ditto The Nutcracker. Glad I went, but glad it's over and done with.
  5. Tree is hacked, fully decked, and patiently awaiting the massive pile of pretty packages which will eventually be tossed under it. And hey--we got a spot in the local newspaper out of the deal! So that went well. No seriously. As we were walking out towards the fields to pick our tree, we were approached by a reporter and a photographer, and asked if we would mind if they followed us along for an article they were doing about the tree farm and the tradition of cutting down your own tree. They took all sorts of pictures, interviewed Elder Miss, and subversively coerced me into picking a tree in record time. All went well though--the article was sweet (a whole page no less), and the tree is regal and gorgeous (tallest we've ever had). Toss me a comment if you're interested, and if I like you I'll forward the link to the online article. It's all in Norwegian so you won't understand a word of it, but at least you can see the pretty picture.
  6. Shopping and wrapping: eh, mostly done. We have too many presents. Really. It's just obscene.
Items still on the list:
  1. Gingerbread house--which by unanimous accord has become a gingerbread train this year, is baked and constructed, and will be decorated this afternoon when EM gets home from school. It's going to be adorable. Stay tuned for pictures.
  2. Jilly's birthday.
  3. Finalizing the menus for Friday's party, Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day, then grocery shopping for said menus. This is going to be a hugely unpleasant, not to mention pricey, operation and I'm not looking forward to it. But it must be done. So do it I will--probably Thursday, with the perishable bits to follow on Saturday.
  4. Big party Friday night--decorating, cleaning, cooking, baking......yeah, should probably get on that.....
For the most part, all's well here. Hope all is well there, and there, and over there as well.
The busy-ness can't be helped. The crowds can't avoided. The expense can't be spared. It's all part of the season. And honestly, I wouldn't have it any other way. It helps if you don't give a shit what your parents or your grumpy husband says, and you go ahead and have that second glass of wine anyway.

Monday, December 11, 2006

Christmas is Upon Us

Get it off!!!

This is it folks. From now through the new year we get busy. Very, very busy indeed.

I offer the following list as a warning/excuse as to why there may not be much action around here over the next few weeks.
  1. Parental units scheduled to arrive tomorrow morning. Frantic cleaning of harth and home to, any minute now.
  2. Long awaited appointment with the smarty-pants tummy ache specialists to discuss Missy's stunted growth and frankly-more-than-the-usual amount of bloated "button" * early Wednesday morning. (It will amount to nothing--she's genetically doomed to be short and stocky like her paternal grandmother, plus she whines a lot when she has to poop. I, in my infinite wisdom correctly diagnosed her ages and ages ago, but Mister refuses to believe any but a medical professional--so off to Haukeland we go).
  3. Boy's Christmas Tea and Concert later that afternoon. Cakes and sandwiches to be made.  I don't know when. Tomorrow maybe?
  4. Nutcracker with Boy's class Thursday.
  5. Tea (if I can schedule it) with friendly neighbor lady Friday.
  6. Annual hacking down of the Christmas tree Saturday.
  7. Trim it, garnish it, plug it in Sunday.
  8. Shopping
  9. Wrapping
  10. Baking
  11. Decorate another fucking gingerbread house so the kids will finally just shut the fuck up about it!
  12. There will be parties and jule nonsense with Elder Miss's class next week, but I don't know what and/or when because nobody sees fit to tell me, The SCARY Foreigner, anything.
  13. No doubt more shopping
  14. More wrapping
  15. Jilly Baby's birthday on the 21st--I think I've secured the honors of taking her out and getting her loaded because Mr. Jilly is a grumpy birthday hum-bugger.
  16. Big ol' blowout of a Christmas party at my house on the 22nd (La Dragon, you are so invited if you could just get your skinny ass over here). Kids, presents, glogg, carols, cavorting, and general merriment to ensue 'round about 5-ish. It'll kill me dead, but I'm looking forward to it, nonetheless. No seriously...I am!
Is that it? Could there possibly be more?

There is. There will be.

I will try to check-in. Give you something new to look at. I know there are many of you Stateside who will be wondering how Christmas is playing out over here. I might even get a post or two out of The Alpha Grandma, with pictures and sound bytes.  You never know.

But what I'm saying is--don't hold your breath or anything. I'll get to 'ya, when I get to 'ya.
In the meantime, Happy Holidays to the lot of you! Shop in peace. Play nice in the parking lots! And for God's sake, open another bottle of wine! It's Christmas! Enjoy yourselves.
* "Button hurts, button hurts Mommy." This is what Missy says to me when her stomach hurts. I hear it often. A little too often, which is why I'm having her checked out. Mostly they'll be looking for food allergies. I took her in 2 weeks ago for blood and stool sample tests--looking for, among other things, levels of growth hormones--I will get the results of those tests at the appointment on Wednesday. But like I said--much ado about nothing.