Saturday, August 29, 2009

It's What Pain Is

As most of you know, my beautiful Boy turned 7 a few weeks ago.

For many reasons--the least of which being I'M A TERRIBLE MOTHER--he's NEVER had a proper birthday party with school pals and presents, intemperance and chaos, anarchy and fiery distruction.

Tomorrow I set that record straight.

My guilt led me to approve a guest list of 16 sticky, feral boys.

SIX.TEEN. 

Prey for us now, and in the hour of our death.

In an effort to focus the energies of the these sixteen wee lordlings of havoc, I have decreed that there shall be a treasure hunt. 

Yes.  After the hot dogs, but before the presents, the little darlings will be sent on an adventure. 

Maps shall be furnished.  Clues must needs be deciphered.  Much fun will be had by all.

The only catch being----my demon guests are Norwegians, and I'm completely norsk challenged.  I can't write any of the damn clues!  Gah! 

At this very moment, Mister is sitting at the kitchen table, nursing his third rum and coke, trying to churn out a series of 16 cutesy rhymes leading to a cache of candy bags buried out in the backyard.

You have no idea how much it pains me--THE WRITER--to have to hand this delicate task over to he--THE FUMBLING ENGINEER!

8 comments:

trace said...

LOL! I don't know which is better, the ACTUAL awesome party to be had, or your brilliant post creation that prefaces it... I laughed out loud that you used the word "feral"!

PS. I posted something right up your alley, so when you recover from tomorrows fantastic havoc, have a looksie.

Amy said...

I love your blog. It's so painfully honest.

Best of luck with the little demons. I think we had 8 or 9 at Ethan's last party and that was chaotic. And noisy. And a little smelly - you know that "stench" boys get? I don't recommend being in enclosed quarters with it. Good idea to send the outdoors!

Corinne said...

Oh, God, I agree with Amy. That sweaty dirty boy stench is stomach churning when there's a gaggle of them hanging around. Boys....They really are snakes and snails and puppy dog tails.

JT said...

Oh, this made me laugh!! I hope it all went well - the thought of one small boy needing entertainment makes me break out in a cold sweat, but SIXTEEN? You are, indeed, a birthday party saint!

Lea said...

I can't tell how much I enjoy your blog. I'm living a very similar life in Finland. Hope the party goes well.

Batgirl said...

Sixteen?! Fair dues to ya, you're a great mom! :-) After a recent family birthday party (where I got to see my 10 month old nephew try chocolate cake for the first time - he was in total bliss), I've decided that my children (should I have some) will have their birthday parties at a place where I can buy helpers and leave the work to someone else. That, or limit them to 4/5 friends each. One hour with sixteen children would give me a migraine - and I'm not even prone to migraines.

Anonymous said...

When they are that age, you need to forgo the home party, and have it at a venue with climbing stuff...like McDonald's. Then it's only 1 1/2 hours, you have someone to basically 'control' the group and you don't have to worry about the food, games, cutesy rhymes and cleaning up.

La Dragon said...

Sixteen!?? Are you nucking futs? That's not saintly, that's just masochistic. You gotta stick with the formula: (kids age) + 1 = # of party guests.

You'll post some photos, I hope.