Tuesday, July 22, 2008

The Reluctant Teetotaler

It seems I have a drinking problem.

Now before you commence with all your smug mmm-hmming and well-I-might-have-guessed-ing, allow me to clarify: it's not a slurring, drooling, shame your children, wreck your marriage, blight your liver kind of drinking problem I'm talking about. And no Jilly, it's not the Airplane kind either (funny as that would be).

It's to do with my sleep, see. Alcohol is fucking with my sleep. And it's really starting to piss me off.

I don't deserve to be fucked with in this manner. It's not like I drink massive amounts of alcohol. Sure, I'll admit to drinking often. Especially now during summer when Mister is on vacation, and working in the yard building flower beds and wharfs and garden stairs and whatnot; and a cold beer at the end of a long, hard day of physical labor is right and just; and I would be remiss in my wifely duties if I let him drink alone, wouldn't I? Because drinking alone--now, I'm pretty sure that does qualify as a drinking problem, and we wouldn't want that now, would we? That would get the neighbors talking.

But even with this near daily indulgence of a beer here, or a shared bottle of wine there, I hardly ever drink to excess.

Shut up!

I don't!

Holidays notwithstanding, I seriously mean it! My drinking habits are modest----ish.

But I'm figuring out that every evening I do choose to enjoy my trifling bit of alcohol, I'm pretty much guaranteed to spend the night tossing, turning, and drifting in and out of the shallowest of sleeps. Maddening, I tell you. Vexing to the extreme.

Last night, just as a little experiment, I politely declined Mister's kind offer of a glass of port after the kids had gone to bed. Slept like a goddamn baby all night long. Eight straight hours of blissful repose.

It felt so fantastically good, that tonight I refused the cold beer that was proffered over the dinner table. I'll admit, I'm jonesing for that beer a bit right now. The crisp SNAP as the seal on the can cracks open. The glug-gurgle-fizzzzzz as the glass fills. The faint whiff of yeast in the air as foam settles.......JEDA wants......

But no. I shall remain firm. I SHALL SLEEP TONIGHT!

And if I don't, if my little experiment fails--it's going to be Chianti for breakfast, a six-pack over lunch, and a god-damn pitcher of margaritas for dinner because I'm only human, all right!


The Thomas Tiny Ranch said...

"and a cold beer at the end of a long, hard day of physical labor is right and just"

Amen cuz. AMEN. Is this perhaps the reason that I sleep so shitty every night? Please keep us posted!

Amy said...

Could be worse. You could have my problem of not getting to drink often enough...

skinny bitch's mom said...

Boy, I must be really lucky. I always sleep best on Friday night after drunken Karoke. Perhaps it is the wine and you should switch to real alcohol. You know like shots of Jagger or tequila and real drinks like VO and something. Worth a try.
Come home and I'll teach you to drink

Trace said...

As you know, I am a lightweight, although I have been historically known to down nine solid beers or vodka cranberry's or kamakazees without a hitch or even much of a stumble back in the days when I mastered such a feat in my mid 20's. (Hmmm, we could have had fun back then had your brother just saved time and asked me out!)

Yup, not now. ONE glass of anything and I am feeling that behind the knees numbishness. Being the cheap date that I now am, and having Zoe is actually a good mix, as I am not much of a drinker anymore anyway. But I will say that my dreams are CRAZY now when I have a few drinks of anything. First, I'm flying a plane, then I have wings of my own, then I am naked doing it, and then I am kissing Richard Gere, and then I am half lizard, half woman, and on and on... so, I must say that alcohol messes with my sleep too. But, I am in alcohol 101compared to your true genius of the stuff.

Drink some pomegranate grape juice for a while instead and get some sleep.

And, yes, I am typing this at 2am U.S. time since I have a similar annoyance right now - insomnia!

Guitar said...

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.