Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Meh

I don't know. Whaddaya' think?

Too pretentious?

Tis', tisn't it?


Alpha Grandma left today, and I'm bored.

And more than a little moody.

Remind me again how I ended up in this situation where I'm forever saying goodbye to people I love very, very dearly indeed; often with no hope of seeing said loved ones for a good year or more.

Don't say for love of Mister, because it just ain't cuttin' it tonight.

It's not that I want to go home with her, because I don't.

And it's not that I desperately want her to stay, because clearly she was ready to go home. She was ready for some peace and quiet. I respect that. We were both ready to have our respective spaces back. She'll respect that.

It's kind of like I have no anchor without my extended family around me. I spend 98% of my life absently adrift, 5,000 miles away from my safe harbor. Then, once a year or so, for this all too brief interlude, I get pulled in and lovingly surrounded by my people--people who've known me forever, and speak my language, and love me because they have to on account of the blood and all. But then, very abruptly, I'm cut loose again. And even though I know this adopted place of mine--I'm comfortable here, reasonably safe, and wildly loved by my own small brood--I can't help but feel miserably alone and completely misunderstood so far away from the people and places who raised me.

I feel this riduclous metphor most keenly immediately after a departure. And let me add this, it's much, much worse to be the one left behind than to be the one leaving. Something I don't always appreciate because it's usually me doing the leave-taking.

In just over a week my dad and step-mom will be coming for a visit. They too will leave me in their turn.

Again, I say MEH!

Self-pitying ennui. I'm a master at it. Pour me onto a sofa in a dimly lit room, and crack open the wine. I may be here awhile.

In the meantime, let me know what you think of my new masthead. I was just futzing around a little. I can give it another whirl, if this one doesn't suit.

7 comments:

Trace said...

I love your entry box - how ever did you find something so clever? I haven't seen a thing like it before!

I so feel for you of what you said, floating adrift and lonely. It must be so different there.
I didn't realize how separated from my family I truly was until our reunion last year, all of whom I hadn't seen since I was 16. Except for seeing my dad every 5 years or so, that is the timespan for the rest of them - 15 to 20 years apart in visits. It is so hard on the ones left behind, although I cried like a blithering baby for 10 straight hours after leaving my family of 25 and downed a nearly lethal combination of dark chocolate, twinkies and Swedish fish. My size 4 went out the window and I still have yet to see it again, but it was worth it.

Use your "down times" to continue your incredible writing. You really need to create a book of what spins from that amazing mind of yours!

jillybaby said...

You wanna a job? Aberdeen's a nice place, Toby could commute!

Hey lovie, I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. You just need me there to pour you a very large Morgans and Coke.

I'm off to Houston on Sunday so I'll be thinking of you as I tuck into my dark chocolate raisinettes!

Joanne said...

I love your new banner! Although I loved the old one too, sorry I am confused. We are strongly considering moving to Norway, so this post is something to think about for me. I did have a sil and bil living here (SA) until December last year now we only have family in Norway, England and Oz. Its a difficult decision. Thanks for the insight.

cym said...

Hmmm

Be happy that you can afford to go to the USA every year for an extended period of time (unlike every 3 years for 2 1/2 weeks). Be happy that you can go alone or with the kids and that they are prolly happy to go (unlike having 2people who don't really want to be there, thus diminishing the good time that the third person is having). Be happy that you don't really need to work, have a house so can have family members stay for longer than a week, and don't have to prostitute yourself to different temp agencies.

Though I wonder what is worse (leaving behind I mean)- having a big family and friends or having a few family members since a few died, as well as a best friend. On second thought leaving behind more people is prolly more painful... Yeah, being trapped really sucks at times...


*this post was written by an extremely PMSing person*

ME

Anonymous said...

My dear, dear Jeda, how I love the new banner. Change is a good thing. I can so totally relate to your post, since I've been there so many times. The answer is that everything has a price, some prices are higher than others. Yes, you're paying a high price, but your wonderful family is your reward. I'm just back from a three day trip where I visited communities that have no running water or electricity. It helps put things in perspective. No, I'm not asking you to become a Peace Corps volunteer, but just look around a bit (after you're done with the wine...) Big hug, Claudita

Queen LaTeacha said...

Oh, Jamie! How do you manage to capture feelings so completely and accurately? If I ever doubted it before, which I didn't, I'm totally convinced now that.....you're a writer. Through-and-through, a writer. Don't you EVER let that part of you go into hiding. It's your outlet, your gift, your secret place. I love you.

Tif said...

So I'm not countries away, but sometimes it feels like it. I can relate. And then the family drama hits the fan and I'm SOOO happy to be far enough away that I can say, "You know mom, I wasn't there so I can't really say weather Matt is a total ass or just in a bad mood. It's hard to tell as I WASN'T THERE."
---Tif

P.S. Love the new banner. How'd you do that? I can barely open Photoshop and what the hell are layers?