Thursday, November 20, 2008

Part Of This Actually Happened. I SWEAR!

So the Mormon missionaries from the library are stalking me.  They found me again today.  And the way I know they're stalking me is the first thing Sister Drew-the-short-straw-so-she-has-to-approach-the-scary-apostate said when she walked up to me was, "We're not stalking you!  I SWEAR!"

Tjeh--way to play it cool there Sister Smooth.  Not at all suspicious.

She invited me and my entire family to Thanksgiving dinner at the ward house.  I politely declined explaining that I do a traditional dinner of my own every year for a big group of friends.  But I told her I had a friend flying in from Scotland next week whose husband has been very curious about her organization in the past,  "Would she be welcome?"

Blink. Blink.

"Um, sssssure.  I guess.  But....won't she?  you know?  be eating with you?"

"Not necessarily.  We'll see what she shows up with.  Last time she came with chocolate eggs for the children and whiskey for Mister.  But no tea.  So I bid my cat kill her first born; he very nearly succeeded.  I doubt she'll forget the tea this time, but look, if there's no shortbread in that bag of hers, she's going to be giving her thanks at someone else's bountiful repast.  That's just the way it is."


"All righty then!  Okay!  Buh-bye!"

And that was it.  She turned tail and ran.  Didn't even offer to say a closing prayer before she left.  And it was snowing pretty hard outside too.  If ever there was a night she needed the Lord's blessing for a safe journey home it was tonight.  Hope she made it okay.

Oh, and also......Boy totally read his first book tonight.  Read the shit out of it!  Dove fearlessly into the text, plumbing the lines for hidden complexities and subtle meaning.  He owned that motherfucker.  I SWEAR!

Take that dried up, nay-saying, intellectually immature-labling teacher!  Take it, and shove it!


Amy said...

That is a funny story. There is something deliciously fun about making someone squirm. Like the time Brent & I had been married for like 5 years and someone from church rudely asked, "Shouldn't you guys have kids by now?" to which I responded, "Well, I'm not sure we're doing it right. Maybe you and your husband could come over and give us some pointers."

Stupid people.

Oh well, hopefully she made it home ok. Look at it this way. You probably gave her some great material for her weekly letter home to Mom and Pop.

Queen LaTeacha said...

THEREs the JEDA I know and love. Quick, witty, sarcastic, ready to make the most of an awkward moment. Damn, I wish I'd been there!

Trace said...

I can't help but smile and wish sometimes that I could trade brains with you when needed most... for a smashing good retort with just a smidge of tongue-thrash.

JEDA said...


I said only part of this actually happened. I'm not really as bitchy as all that. Am I?

jillybaby said...

Of course only part of it was true, the rest was aimed at me!

spiced rum...oh definitely check
haggis...need to go catch one first!

Anonymous said...

I don't know how they find you, but every 6 months when they turn over, two new ones show up at my door. If I wanted it, don't you think I would have forked over the 10% and showed up before now? Didn't they guys before you leave any notes on the fridge, "No go on the lady who grew up in the fatherland, thought she got out, not going to invite you in, husband extremely hostile..."?